Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Slow Fade Of Love

For someone who pushes away the mere mention of love, it's a wonder why I would crave the attention so much. I have never felt the need to be completed by another, nor have I ever given into commitment. But now, I feel like I want it.
I've been hurt before. Severely. And repeatedly (the 'repeatedly' part, I take the blame for.) So maybe this is why I have given up on the fantasy of loving another, and being loved in return? 
I have said it before, and the idea still holds true, that I will be absolutely satisfied with just a best friend that I can share my life with. I don't need the physical intimacy. I just want to be understood.
Here's the kicker - - I think I may have found what I've been looking for. And then comes the past. The aforementioned 'repeatedly' part, rearing its ugly head for round 50. And I am so quick to slip back into my old ways. Into believing the notion of, "Oh, it's cool. We are just going to be friends. Things are going to be better. It's different this time...I promise." I am calling bullshit on myself. I see the bad moon rising, and I need to choose which path to take; Beauty or Pain. (Some argue there is no distinguishable differences between the two.) 
I am hoping those who have ridden along with me on this journey of hurt and befallen love will guide me to the road happily traveled. 
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
"And so it seems, you've grown up and over me. And these silly things I like to dwell on." - Rilo Kiley

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Corner Of The Sky

When a world is turned upside-down, inside out, and strewn all around, where does one turn to? 
From January 1st, I knew this was going the be the worst year of my life. It was that new-year premonition (caused by influenza) that attracted my thoughts to the dark side. I mean, good things happened (ex. meeting lindsay lohan, zac efron, etc...haha) but it was around april 21st that things got shitty. My older brother died. I won't go into detail about that now because it is the primary reason why my life has been in the dumps. Shortly after, I got in a car crash, where the car was totaled. Few weeks later, I moved back to Los Angeles, only to be greeted by the monster of anxiety. For those who don't understand anxiety attacks, it is basically an instant wave of panic that overcomes you, causing you to shake, lose circulation, often faint, and cry. Lots. It's an alarm of impending doom. It was a result of the stress mountain I had been building in previous months. It became clear to me that in the next few days, I had to move back home.
Most recently, I spent several months living practically in the wilderness, trying to "find myself" and "reevaluate my situation." I lived next to a lake, beach, and forest. I learned to fish, and to love nature. It was beauty. And while I was able to learn a plethora of information about myself and how I feel, I still have a bit of an issue to deal with. WHAT in the HELL am I DOING with my LIFE?! 
I grew up knowing one thing, and one thing only; That I wanted to be famous. I didn't care how or when, I just knew it had to happen. I felt that my presence in this world needed to be broadcast. And I clearly do not mean this as a "cop out," but I have NEVER had the urge to work. ("work" as defined: part time job. doing the same thing every day. fast food. retail. and the like.) Rather, I wanted to have a purpose, and to thrive in that purpose, and to share that purpose with the world. I turned to acting, musical theatre, dancing, and they felt perfect...for a while. Now, I am just kind of over all that. I still appreciate the performing arts, but I no longer feel welcome in that community. (Maybe Hollywood changed me!) So then, I turned to the movie industry. I will not dwell, but I will leave that subject with one word: Fail.
I am currently looking into Photography as a career. I am the first to admit that I have a good eye, and am rather gifted in this area. Though I have had no professional training, I feel like I could be a great photog some day. But do I have the drive? I guess we'll see.
I'm still crossing my fingers for my reality show. I will not divulge that information as of yet. But trust me...It's a work of genius.
I love you. Goodnight.
"No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start." - Coldplay

You can call me Lazy.

But I would prefer you called me Skinny.
Hello to you. I can't even imagine what motivated you to read up on me, but love to you. I guess it would be appropriate, in my premiere blog, to tell you what I have been up to!
I am currently living in Hollywood, CA (Also known as "home.") I live with three other guys, all about my age, and all doing the same thing (acting). I have my room organized and wonderful, ready to take on the damage that will be a costume party this friday. Stoked. I am wearing my Lady Gaga costume, which I am sure will blow the rest out of the water. You should see just how good I look in leggings and stilettos. It's kind of scary.
Also, I am going to New York for New Year's! This has been a dream several years in the making, and I am SO lucky to be able to finally go this year, and with a close friend (Dana). It will be the PERFECT end to one of the crappiest, THE crappiest year of my life. And I am guessing it will beat my celebration from last year, which included: sleeping on a couch, and vomiting. Yes, this year will be different - - I got my flu vaccination! :)
That's all I am going to tell you for now. (Always leave them wanting more, right?) I promise to use less parentheses next time. Ciao!
"With every broken heart, you should become more adventurous." - Rilo Kiley